Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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