Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
