It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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