I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
