When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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