Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
