it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
