I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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