She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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