Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
