When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can I color on your dick again?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
