i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
