How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
