Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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