i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drunk is a universal language darling
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
