sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
