I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They took my balls.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
