My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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