They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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