Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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