The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
