I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
