so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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