1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
They left me at home... I'm a liability
that is very illegal...i love you.
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