The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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