I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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