while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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