So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
