I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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