90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just blew my weed a kiss
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
