"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
