If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
