Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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