a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
