nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
