I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
