I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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