i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
