i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
