I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
