Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
