worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dicks are not precious.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
