take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
