My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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