if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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