gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
