he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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