Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
