She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
where are my eyebrows?
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