I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
