I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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